2013 Word of the Year

My word of the year for 2012 was 'Balance'. I have thought a lot about it the last couple of weeks. I had a clear picture in my head of what I thought balance would look like in my life. From that vision, I totally failed. Does anything ever really go along with the picture we have in our head though?
I realized that balance has come to me in a completely different way.
This year has been one of the hardest in my entire life. As I have struggled to find my way, I have clung to that which breathes life into my soul. Ross, my boys and faith in God are the only way I have survived. I have not been the best at actively living every facet of the gospel this year but I know with all of my heart that my Heavenly Father loves me and has his hand in my life. His love has sustained me when I have had nothing else.
My relationship with Ross is the most important to me. He is literally half of me. I never knew that I could be in love with someone so deeply. His happiness is my main goal in life.
My boys are my very reason for being. I know that I drive them crazy. I don't care. I am their mom. I will love them, nag them, annoy them, protect them and do anything and everything else to help them succeed and be the best they can be. Hopefully one day, they will see me for who I am; someone who would die to make them happy.
So in a weird way, balance has come into my life. I know what is important to me. I know that I would lay down everything else in life to serve my family and my God. I still take on too much and spread myself too thin. But it is my choice. I know that I don't have forever to make a difference. So I will now when I can and still want to. For me, balance is knowing what is important and making it a priority in the middle of all the other chaos.
All of this really is leading up to the word I have chosen for 2013. I have chosen the word, "Abundance". I truly believe that I can have it all. I am willing to work my butt off for it. 2013 is my year to make great things happen. Trust me, you won't want to miss it ;)

A Review of 2012

2012 is almost in the books. We have less than 24 hours left. It always amazes me to look back on a year and see all the things that we have done and everything that has happened.

Here are some notable things:
-Corbin turned 12 and was ordained to the Aaronic priesthood
-Tyson started HIGH SCHOOL! (what the heck?!)
-Jaden's outdoor soccer team went undefeated for the season. again.
-Tyson, Jaden and I each ran a leg in the Wasatch Back
-Tyson attended his first EFY and loved it
-My awesome brother in law, Koa, was baptized
-Ross completed his second LOTOJA and PR'd on every leg. He took more than an hour off his overall time!
-Corbin started junior high (again, what the heck?!)
-Tyson received his Patriarchal Blessing
-Mitt Romney, a Mormon, ran for POTUS
-the age that young men and young women can go on missions was lowered to 18 and 19, respectively
-Baby Beckett was born!!!
-I endured physical therapy for my failing knees
-my good friend and I filmed a motivational movie for America First C.U. based on my marathon experience
-my kids and husband continue to be total rockstars in all aspects of life

We are so blessed to have each other through everything! 2012 was good and bad, happy and sad, and everything in between. I look forward to 2013 being the best year of my entire life because I am going to make it that way!

Broken Heart

This last Friday, December 14th was one of the worst days in U.S. history. A 20 year old mentally ill man, opened fire in an elementary school in Newtown, Connecticut. He killed 20 children between the ages of 6 and 7, 6 teachers, himself and later his mother was found dead in her home.

How do you reconcile the pain that something like this causes? I do not directly know any of these people but I have been so distraught, I have cried myself to sleep over it. I mourn for so many including the boy who was so messed up in his head that he could even think to do something like this. I mourn for my own children, that they have to witness the evil that is in the world today. For the parents that are missing their own precious children because of this.

There is a bomb threat that is called in to my son's high school for this Friday. A good friend asked me today what I thought about it. Here is my response to her:

"My thoughts about it are that even though sending my kids out into the world terrifies me, I can't and won't live in fear of what might happen. There are a lot of messed up people out there but I trust in my Savior. Tyson's patriarchal blessing speaks of his future as a missionary and as a righteous husband and father. He is a good kid. I know that those promises are real."

I would like to add that along with all the messed up people out there, there is an endless amount of good people out there. They get up each day and just try to make the world a little better. I trust in God and his plan. It is perfect. Even with all the hard things that are in it.

In the immortal words of Tom Petty,

"I won't back down, no I won't back down. You can stand me up at the gates of hell but I won't back down."

AWOL

I find it funny (funny ironic not funny haha) that I mostly post when I think life is hard! I think it's the way I release when I feel lost. So I guess it's a good sign that I haven't posted in a while, yeah?

Right now, life is good. It's far from perfect. We are still very unsure of a lot of things. But I feel very blessed that my father in heaven has given me a great measure of peace in the situations in my life. For so long I felt so lost but I feel his guiding hand in my life again and I have for a while now.

The biggest thing that has been re-affirmed to me, is my relationship with Ross. We have grown so close over the last few years. We were close anyway, but this is a closeness that I can't describe. I am so in love with this man. He makes me so happy. And also our kids. I am in awe of them. I want to be a better person for all of my guys. They deserve someone great. Not perfect but still great.

I am thankful that I am here, that I am present in my own life. 

"It's in every one of us
I just rememberedIt's like I've been sleeping for yearsI'm not awake as I can beBut my seeing's betterI can see through the tears 
I've been realizing thatI bought this ticketAnd watching only half of the showBut there's scenery and lightsAnd a cast of thousandsWho all know what I knowAnd it's good that it's so 
It's in every one of us to be wiseFind your heartAnd open up both your eyesWe can all know every thingWithout ever knowing why
It's in every one of us by and by"

-David Pomeranz

What Do You See?

What do you see when you look at someone? Who do you see? I really like people. I don't get to know people and then decide if I like them. I just like them from the start. I assume that they are good and trying their hardest to do what is right. Most of the time, they prove me right.
There are those that have hurt me. My vision will get a little blurry at these times and I forget who I am trying to see but I think that a lot of the time hurts are unintentional. So I try to remember. Move forward. I would rather see someone for who they are trying to be instead of looking at the mistakes they might be making.
People will become what you see in them. Please see the good. See it in me.

When your body talks, listen

This is great. My friend Paige sent this to me a while back.

WHEN YOUR BODY TALKS, LISTEN

My body woke me up when the sky was still dark and my house was quiet.

Take me for a walk?

It asked.

I shuffled about in the shadows of my house putting on shoes, finding a shirt, throwing on a jacket, pulling up my hair.

Outside was spring-like, not the bone-chilling reception we've had these past few months.

The birds were up too, perched high in the bare trees, chatty, noisy little things.

I walked and walked, talked myself into climbing up an inclined street until I reached the top and looked out onto my still, frosted town. The red-roofed library, the stacked Kimball tower, the dark sky-scraping Nu Skin building, the white rounded temple, all in my view. I stopped and listened to the drumming of heartbeats in my ears.

That's when my body started talking to me.

You've got to trust me.

It told me.

When I am hungry, I will tell you.

You'll hear it in chambered echoes, grumbles and moans.

DON'T FEED ME until you hear my call.

When I am lonely, I will tell you.

A lump will well up in your throat, like you've swallowed cotton, and tears will form in your eyes.

DON'T FEED ME. Try making a connection with the fine collection of friends you love.

When I am anxious, I will tell you.

Your heart will beat fast, your breath will struggle to leave the lungs and you might feel full of fire.

DON'T FEED ME. Instead, sit down and fight for those breaths. Let the oxygen pour into you — clearing the veins and vessels. Close your eyes. Identify the fear that is squeezing you.

When I feel depressed, I will tell you.

There will be a significant lack of energy, a slumpy reaction to bed-leaving. My mind will slow down and thoughts will become like black puffy clouds.

DON'T FEED ME. Instead, fill your head back up with new thoughts, ideas from books and discussions. Replace the dirty fuel in your mind with clean energy.

When I feel stressed, I will tell you.

Like rubber bands squeezing around your cranium, your head throbbing, your stomach turning, your muscles tightening.

DON'T FEED ME. Instead, write it all out, everything you are feeling. Look over the list and examine.

When I feel sick, I will tell you.

Fevers, aches, pains and physical discomfort.

DON'T FEED ME. Take care of me, bathe me, give me lots of water and put me to bed.

When I feel happy, I will tell you.

Goose bumps infiltrate your skin, you will feel light and airy, propped up on energy, buzzing in your blood.

DON'T FEED ME. Use the excess vivacity to spread your sentiments to someone else.

When I need exercise, I will tell you.

Your legs will ache to be walked, your back will beg to be stretched, your heart will ask to be throbbed.

DON'T FEED ME. Walk me. And don't exercise me until I say so, please, or we will battle.

When I feel lazy, content, competitive, peaceful, overwhelmed, snippy, snappy, hot, cold, tired, frustrated, thirsty, full, beaming and bright, I will tell you.

DON'T FEED ME. None of these sentiments require food. Excess surplus will have to be stored. I will have to make more of us — human shelves in rolls and lumps — to organize the overflow intake. Don't make me do that, please. There are babies to feed, children to squeeze, a husband to kiss. Right now, we don't have a lot of steam to become a storage facility as well.

But when I feel hungry, I will send you a message of emptiness of stomach, dizziness of head, a sensation in your mouth extending into your throat that reads, I NEED FOOD. PLEASE DON'T STARVE ME.

Then, feed me.

C. Jane Kendrick is creator of the award-winning blog cjanerun.com. She lives in Provo with her husband and three children. She likes waffles, burritos and vacuuming. Always vacuuming. CONTACT: fb C. Jane Kendrick, twitter C.JaneKendrick

Priesthood Session

General Conference was this last weekend. Corbin is not quite 12 but he will be in 3 weeks so it was his turn to join the family tradition of the men gathering at temple square for priesthood session. In true Corbin fashion, he was worried about me being all alone :) He had such a good time and I think he was excited to be a big kid. As well as Ross and my boys, my dad has become a part of this tradition too.

I think the above picture is proof that one righteous man can make a huge difference in the life of his family, and mine. Thank you Dixon for being that man.

Ask and You Shall Receive

I admit that I am a over protective mother. I want to know where my kids are, who they are with and what they will be doing. It's really not because I want to control them, it's just that well, they are my kids. I don't know what I would do if something ever happened to one of them.

Never-the-less, I know that there comes a time in life when you kind of need to cut the apron strings and let them fly. I have prayed many times to Heavenly Father that I would know when that time comes and that I would have the ability to do it.

Last night, I was laying by Tyson before bed. We were just talking. He is a pretty private kid. He doesn't often share things that are close to his heart. Out of the blue he started sharing. I was so happy that I took the opportunity to listen. Closely. I won't tell you everything but the gist of it is that I knew it was time. The spirit whispered it to me. It's time for Ty to fly.

I know that he will always need me but it's ok for him to become the man he is supposed to be. I can let go as much as he needs me to. But I just want to say that, dangit, it's hard.

Awake

I have been asleep for 4 months. Almost to the day. There are trials, that each of us have, that make us go into sleep mode I think. Where we are exerting just enough energy to exist and make it to the next day. Until something makes us realize there's more that we are missing and if we come out of our stupor, it will be worth it.

I didn't realize until a couple of weeks ago that I had been in sleep mode. Sometimes it's what you have to do to deal with whatever you are facing. I decided that 4 months was too much time to lose. I fervently asked Heavenly Father to re-awaken my spirit so I can be productive and live this happy life that I want to be in.

He answered my prayer. And I am present. And thankful. :)

Friendship

I think about what friendship means quite often. I put a lot of time and effort into being a good friend. I have to admit though, that I have not been a very good friend to everyone lately.

This last year was a hard one for me and my family on a lot of different levels. I have struggled with feelings of being lost. I am not sure exactly my path right now or where I fit. It's funny when you are struggling, who reveals theirself(?) as a true friend. I have those people in my life that I know will be there no matter what. I have also had a few surprises. Like people that I didn't expect showing up for me and like people that I thought for sure would, who didn't.

I got the opportunity to go to dinner last night with 3 friends of mine that have been there through thick and thin, heaven and hell, no matter what. I always come away from those times being lifted up and inspired and so thankful for their presence in my life. They make me want to be a better wife, mom and person.

I know it's time to break out of this cocoon that I have put myself in and start reaching out again. I want to be the kind of friend that I have in Ross and those 3 girls.

It's Official

There is officially another teenager in the house. What the?! How is this possible? Jaden is 13 today.

As you can see from the pic above, he is a lot like his mom in the fact that he cannot pull a straight face for the camera. Where's the fun in that?

I am constantly amazed by this kid. He has so much energy. He doesn't stop until his head hits the pillow at night and then there is no waking him. He gets really ticked if he sleeps past 8 am though. He thinks he is missing out on life.

Soccer, friends and the gospel are this kids life. And we wouldn't have it any other way.

Happy birthday J-dog!

Experience of a Lifetime

I don't even know where to begin this post! The last weekend of my life was the craziest whirlwind you can imagine!
Last October, I ran the St. George marathon with my friend Jamie. You can read about it here.
Jamie's mom happened to read my post and she was very touched by the part about the little boy that handed me the popsicle. She also happens to be on the board of director's for America First Credit Union and decided to use my story in a training meeting. She wanted to talk about the boy with the popsicle and how we can all be that person who doesn't have to help people but do because we can.
I guess this story has been passed around quite a bit within America First. They have decided to make the green popsicle a sort of icon in their company this year and someone thought it would be great if they could get a production company to film a little movie about it that they can use within America First as a sort of motivational thing.
Jamie and I got a call from her mom on Wednesday. They wanted to fly Jamie and I to Las Vegas for the weekend. There was a marathon going on by Lake Mead and they thought it was the perfect opportunity to film this movie about us.
The stars somehow aligned and we were all on board. They paid all of our expenses; food, hotel, flight. It was quite an unreal trip. I am telling you that I could get used to the life of a movie star ;)
Saturday morning was spent filming Jamie and I re-creating my marathon experience. It was a total blast! We had a riot. There were tears from laughing so hard and tears from remembering. We will each get a copy of the finished product. I am excited/nervous to see it!
Who would have thought that a blog post could take me on such an unforgettable experience. Thank you to Linda Carver and America First for taking the best care of us and to Ross for hanging with our boys this weekend. I can't wait to tell my grandkids about this someday. :)

Be Happy!

"I am here tonight to tell you that despair, doom, and discouragement are not an acceptable view of life for a Latter-day Saint. However high on the charts they are on the hit parade of contemporary news, we must not walk on our lower lip every time a few difficult moments happen to confront us. …

“Knowing what we know, and living as we are supposed to live, we really have no place, no excuse, for pessimism and despair.

“In my lifetime I have seen two world wars. … I have worked my way through the Depression and managed to go to law school while starting a young family at the same time. I have seen stock markets and world economics go crazy, and I have seen a few despots and tyrants go crazy, all of which causes quite a bit of trouble around the world in the process.

“So I am frank to say tonight that I hope you won’t believe all the world’s difficulties have been wedged into your decade, or that things have never been worse than they are for you personally, or that they will never get better." -Howard W. Hunter