My Part

The other night I had the most amazing experience. I have to record it here because I don't want to forget.

For quite a while, I have really struggled with a certain person in my life. The ironic part about it is that they have no idea of the feelings I have had. They didn't necessarily do anything wrong. There is something that they have that I thought I wanted in my life so much. I have struggled with negative feelings towards this person.

I didn't want to have these feelings so I decided to try to serve them as best I could. I know that it is almost impossible to have bad feelings for someone while serving them.

For a few years, I stepped out of my comfort zone and have served them in so many ways. It wasn't working so I kept trying. I realized I was waiting for them to stop and tell me how wonderful they thought I was. It didn't happen. I was not doing things in the right frame of mind and my feelings for them were getting worse, not better.

I woke up in the middle of the night the other night thinking about them. I cried and cried. I didn't want to have these feelings of bitterness any more. I started to pray. I told my Heavenly Father that I had tried to do what I thought was right to get over it and I realized I couldn't do it by myself. I needed him to take it from me. I pictured myself putting all these feelings, worry and bitterness in a box. I closed it up tight and I pushed it toward the feet of my Savior. I pictured him taking it and walking away from me. I fell asleep praying for help.

The next morning I realized it was truly all gone. It has been days and days and it is still gone. I learned a lot from this experience. I learned that after all we can do, he makes up the difference. I learned that I can turn everything over to him. And most of all, I learned I already have everything I need. I no longer think that I require what is not mine. 

I am so thankful.

The Grind

JUST DO IT

Fear

I know that everyone has something that holds them back. Back from living life to the fullest, from being the best they can be, from reaching out to others. 

My entire life I have never felt good enough. For whatever reason, in my mind, I am not pretty enough, accomplished enough, funny enough, interesting enough, skinny enough, etc. Yes, unfortunately, the list goes on and on. There are so many times when I feel crippled by these fears of mine that this might be the day that everyone else figures it out too or maybe they already have and just aren't telling me.

I don't want to be this girl. I have to fight against it every second. Overall, I am a really a happy person. I know that I am so blessed in so many ways and I truly do find the joy in life. I love to laugh and make people smile. I have the best marriage, the best kids and the greatest of friends. I guess we all have to have something we struggle with or it just wouldn't be life, would it?

I know that this is my trial. I know it is up to me to make weak things strong. It is so hard to figure out how to do that. But, I will keep trying.

2013 Word of the Year

My word of the year for 2012 was 'Balance'. I have thought a lot about it the last couple of weeks. I had a clear picture in my head of what I thought balance would look like in my life. From that vision, I totally failed. Does anything ever really go along with the picture we have in our head though?
I realized that balance has come to me in a completely different way.
This year has been one of the hardest in my entire life. As I have struggled to find my way, I have clung to that which breathes life into my soul. Ross, my boys and faith in God are the only way I have survived. I have not been the best at actively living every facet of the gospel this year but I know with all of my heart that my Heavenly Father loves me and has his hand in my life. His love has sustained me when I have had nothing else.
My relationship with Ross is the most important to me. He is literally half of me. I never knew that I could be in love with someone so deeply. His happiness is my main goal in life.
My boys are my very reason for being. I know that I drive them crazy. I don't care. I am their mom. I will love them, nag them, annoy them, protect them and do anything and everything else to help them succeed and be the best they can be. Hopefully one day, they will see me for who I am; someone who would die to make them happy.
So in a weird way, balance has come into my life. I know what is important to me. I know that I would lay down everything else in life to serve my family and my God. I still take on too much and spread myself too thin. But it is my choice. I know that I don't have forever to make a difference. So I will now when I can and still want to. For me, balance is knowing what is important and making it a priority in the middle of all the other chaos.
All of this really is leading up to the word I have chosen for 2013. I have chosen the word, "Abundance". I truly believe that I can have it all. I am willing to work my butt off for it. 2013 is my year to make great things happen. Trust me, you won't want to miss it ;)

A Review of 2012

2012 is almost in the books. We have less than 24 hours left. It always amazes me to look back on a year and see all the things that we have done and everything that has happened.

Here are some notable things:
-Corbin turned 12 and was ordained to the Aaronic priesthood
-Tyson started HIGH SCHOOL! (what the heck?!)
-Jaden's outdoor soccer team went undefeated for the season. again.
-Tyson, Jaden and I each ran a leg in the Wasatch Back
-Tyson attended his first EFY and loved it
-My awesome brother in law, Koa, was baptized
-Ross completed his second LOTOJA and PR'd on every leg. He took more than an hour off his overall time!
-Corbin started junior high (again, what the heck?!)
-Tyson received his Patriarchal Blessing
-Mitt Romney, a Mormon, ran for POTUS
-the age that young men and young women can go on missions was lowered to 18 and 19, respectively
-Baby Beckett was born!!!
-I endured physical therapy for my failing knees
-my good friend and I filmed a motivational movie for America First C.U. based on my marathon experience
-my kids and husband continue to be total rockstars in all aspects of life

We are so blessed to have each other through everything! 2012 was good and bad, happy and sad, and everything in between. I look forward to 2013 being the best year of my entire life because I am going to make it that way!

Broken Heart

This last Friday, December 14th was one of the worst days in U.S. history. A 20 year old mentally ill man, opened fire in an elementary school in Newtown, Connecticut. He killed 20 children between the ages of 6 and 7, 6 teachers, himself and later his mother was found dead in her home.

How do you reconcile the pain that something like this causes? I do not directly know any of these people but I have been so distraught, I have cried myself to sleep over it. I mourn for so many including the boy who was so messed up in his head that he could even think to do something like this. I mourn for my own children, that they have to witness the evil that is in the world today. For the parents that are missing their own precious children because of this.

There is a bomb threat that is called in to my son's high school for this Friday. A good friend asked me today what I thought about it. Here is my response to her:

"My thoughts about it are that even though sending my kids out into the world terrifies me, I can't and won't live in fear of what might happen. There are a lot of messed up people out there but I trust in my Savior. Tyson's patriarchal blessing speaks of his future as a missionary and as a righteous husband and father. He is a good kid. I know that those promises are real."

I would like to add that along with all the messed up people out there, there is an endless amount of good people out there. They get up each day and just try to make the world a little better. I trust in God and his plan. It is perfect. Even with all the hard things that are in it.

In the immortal words of Tom Petty,

"I won't back down, no I won't back down. You can stand me up at the gates of hell but I won't back down."

AWOL

I find it funny (funny ironic not funny haha) that I mostly post when I think life is hard! I think it's the way I release when I feel lost. So I guess it's a good sign that I haven't posted in a while, yeah?

Right now, life is good. It's far from perfect. We are still very unsure of a lot of things. But I feel very blessed that my father in heaven has given me a great measure of peace in the situations in my life. For so long I felt so lost but I feel his guiding hand in my life again and I have for a while now.

The biggest thing that has been re-affirmed to me, is my relationship with Ross. We have grown so close over the last few years. We were close anyway, but this is a closeness that I can't describe. I am so in love with this man. He makes me so happy. And also our kids. I am in awe of them. I want to be a better person for all of my guys. They deserve someone great. Not perfect but still great.

I am thankful that I am here, that I am present in my own life. 

"It's in every one of us
I just rememberedIt's like I've been sleeping for yearsI'm not awake as I can beBut my seeing's betterI can see through the tears 
I've been realizing thatI bought this ticketAnd watching only half of the showBut there's scenery and lightsAnd a cast of thousandsWho all know what I knowAnd it's good that it's so 
It's in every one of us to be wiseFind your heartAnd open up both your eyesWe can all know every thingWithout ever knowing why
It's in every one of us by and by"

-David Pomeranz