Broken Heart

This last Friday, December 14th was one of the worst days in U.S. history. A 20 year old mentally ill man, opened fire in an elementary school in Newtown, Connecticut. He killed 20 children between the ages of 6 and 7, 6 teachers, himself and later his mother was found dead in her home.

How do you reconcile the pain that something like this causes? I do not directly know any of these people but I have been so distraught, I have cried myself to sleep over it. I mourn for so many including the boy who was so messed up in his head that he could even think to do something like this. I mourn for my own children, that they have to witness the evil that is in the world today. For the parents that are missing their own precious children because of this.

There is a bomb threat that is called in to my son's high school for this Friday. A good friend asked me today what I thought about it. Here is my response to her:

"My thoughts about it are that even though sending my kids out into the world terrifies me, I can't and won't live in fear of what might happen. There are a lot of messed up people out there but I trust in my Savior. Tyson's patriarchal blessing speaks of his future as a missionary and as a righteous husband and father. He is a good kid. I know that those promises are real."

I would like to add that along with all the messed up people out there, there is an endless amount of good people out there. They get up each day and just try to make the world a little better. I trust in God and his plan. It is perfect. Even with all the hard things that are in it.

In the immortal words of Tom Petty,

"I won't back down, no I won't back down. You can stand me up at the gates of hell but I won't back down."

AWOL

I find it funny (funny ironic not funny haha) that I mostly post when I think life is hard! I think it's the way I release when I feel lost. So I guess it's a good sign that I haven't posted in a while, yeah?

Right now, life is good. It's far from perfect. We are still very unsure of a lot of things. But I feel very blessed that my father in heaven has given me a great measure of peace in the situations in my life. For so long I felt so lost but I feel his guiding hand in my life again and I have for a while now.

The biggest thing that has been re-affirmed to me, is my relationship with Ross. We have grown so close over the last few years. We were close anyway, but this is a closeness that I can't describe. I am so in love with this man. He makes me so happy. And also our kids. I am in awe of them. I want to be a better person for all of my guys. They deserve someone great. Not perfect but still great.

I am thankful that I am here, that I am present in my own life. 

"It's in every one of us
I just rememberedIt's like I've been sleeping for yearsI'm not awake as I can beBut my seeing's betterI can see through the tears 
I've been realizing thatI bought this ticketAnd watching only half of the showBut there's scenery and lightsAnd a cast of thousandsWho all know what I knowAnd it's good that it's so 
It's in every one of us to be wiseFind your heartAnd open up both your eyesWe can all know every thingWithout ever knowing why
It's in every one of us by and by"

-David Pomeranz

What Do You See?

What do you see when you look at someone? Who do you see? I really like people. I don't get to know people and then decide if I like them. I just like them from the start. I assume that they are good and trying their hardest to do what is right. Most of the time, they prove me right.
There are those that have hurt me. My vision will get a little blurry at these times and I forget who I am trying to see but I think that a lot of the time hurts are unintentional. So I try to remember. Move forward. I would rather see someone for who they are trying to be instead of looking at the mistakes they might be making.
People will become what you see in them. Please see the good. See it in me.

When your body talks, listen

This is great. My friend Paige sent this to me a while back.

WHEN YOUR BODY TALKS, LISTEN

My body woke me up when the sky was still dark and my house was quiet.

Take me for a walk?

It asked.

I shuffled about in the shadows of my house putting on shoes, finding a shirt, throwing on a jacket, pulling up my hair.

Outside was spring-like, not the bone-chilling reception we've had these past few months.

The birds were up too, perched high in the bare trees, chatty, noisy little things.

I walked and walked, talked myself into climbing up an inclined street until I reached the top and looked out onto my still, frosted town. The red-roofed library, the stacked Kimball tower, the dark sky-scraping Nu Skin building, the white rounded temple, all in my view. I stopped and listened to the drumming of heartbeats in my ears.

That's when my body started talking to me.

You've got to trust me.

It told me.

When I am hungry, I will tell you.

You'll hear it in chambered echoes, grumbles and moans.

DON'T FEED ME until you hear my call.

When I am lonely, I will tell you.

A lump will well up in your throat, like you've swallowed cotton, and tears will form in your eyes.

DON'T FEED ME. Try making a connection with the fine collection of friends you love.

When I am anxious, I will tell you.

Your heart will beat fast, your breath will struggle to leave the lungs and you might feel full of fire.

DON'T FEED ME. Instead, sit down and fight for those breaths. Let the oxygen pour into you — clearing the veins and vessels. Close your eyes. Identify the fear that is squeezing you.

When I feel depressed, I will tell you.

There will be a significant lack of energy, a slumpy reaction to bed-leaving. My mind will slow down and thoughts will become like black puffy clouds.

DON'T FEED ME. Instead, fill your head back up with new thoughts, ideas from books and discussions. Replace the dirty fuel in your mind with clean energy.

When I feel stressed, I will tell you.

Like rubber bands squeezing around your cranium, your head throbbing, your stomach turning, your muscles tightening.

DON'T FEED ME. Instead, write it all out, everything you are feeling. Look over the list and examine.

When I feel sick, I will tell you.

Fevers, aches, pains and physical discomfort.

DON'T FEED ME. Take care of me, bathe me, give me lots of water and put me to bed.

When I feel happy, I will tell you.

Goose bumps infiltrate your skin, you will feel light and airy, propped up on energy, buzzing in your blood.

DON'T FEED ME. Use the excess vivacity to spread your sentiments to someone else.

When I need exercise, I will tell you.

Your legs will ache to be walked, your back will beg to be stretched, your heart will ask to be throbbed.

DON'T FEED ME. Walk me. And don't exercise me until I say so, please, or we will battle.

When I feel lazy, content, competitive, peaceful, overwhelmed, snippy, snappy, hot, cold, tired, frustrated, thirsty, full, beaming and bright, I will tell you.

DON'T FEED ME. None of these sentiments require food. Excess surplus will have to be stored. I will have to make more of us — human shelves in rolls and lumps — to organize the overflow intake. Don't make me do that, please. There are babies to feed, children to squeeze, a husband to kiss. Right now, we don't have a lot of steam to become a storage facility as well.

But when I feel hungry, I will send you a message of emptiness of stomach, dizziness of head, a sensation in your mouth extending into your throat that reads, I NEED FOOD. PLEASE DON'T STARVE ME.

Then, feed me.

C. Jane Kendrick is creator of the award-winning blog cjanerun.com. She lives in Provo with her husband and three children. She likes waffles, burritos and vacuuming. Always vacuuming. CONTACT: fb C. Jane Kendrick, twitter C.JaneKendrick

Priesthood Session

General Conference was this last weekend. Corbin is not quite 12 but he will be in 3 weeks so it was his turn to join the family tradition of the men gathering at temple square for priesthood session. In true Corbin fashion, he was worried about me being all alone :) He had such a good time and I think he was excited to be a big kid. As well as Ross and my boys, my dad has become a part of this tradition too.

I think the above picture is proof that one righteous man can make a huge difference in the life of his family, and mine. Thank you Dixon for being that man.

Ask and You Shall Receive

I admit that I am a over protective mother. I want to know where my kids are, who they are with and what they will be doing. It's really not because I want to control them, it's just that well, they are my kids. I don't know what I would do if something ever happened to one of them.

Never-the-less, I know that there comes a time in life when you kind of need to cut the apron strings and let them fly. I have prayed many times to Heavenly Father that I would know when that time comes and that I would have the ability to do it.

Last night, I was laying by Tyson before bed. We were just talking. He is a pretty private kid. He doesn't often share things that are close to his heart. Out of the blue he started sharing. I was so happy that I took the opportunity to listen. Closely. I won't tell you everything but the gist of it is that I knew it was time. The spirit whispered it to me. It's time for Ty to fly.

I know that he will always need me but it's ok for him to become the man he is supposed to be. I can let go as much as he needs me to. But I just want to say that, dangit, it's hard.

Awake

I have been asleep for 4 months. Almost to the day. There are trials, that each of us have, that make us go into sleep mode I think. Where we are exerting just enough energy to exist and make it to the next day. Until something makes us realize there's more that we are missing and if we come out of our stupor, it will be worth it.

I didn't realize until a couple of weeks ago that I had been in sleep mode. Sometimes it's what you have to do to deal with whatever you are facing. I decided that 4 months was too much time to lose. I fervently asked Heavenly Father to re-awaken my spirit so I can be productive and live this happy life that I want to be in.

He answered my prayer. And I am present. And thankful. :)