Loving Myself

I am not sure where my thinking got screwed up in my life. Maybe it was when I was a little girl watching my mother exercise day in and day out and always calling herself fat. (she was not fat in any manner) Maybe it was when I was a teenager thumbing through fashion magazines and wishing so badly that I had perfect skin and hair and body. (looking back, I wasn't too bad) Somewhere along the line though, I taught myself to hate my face, my body, my hair, my skin, etc. etc. The list could go on and on. 

I have always thought that by the time I was 40, life would be practically perfect and I would have it all together.  I have gained 25 pounds since I stopped running. My body is not what I want it to be. I am not the best mother, though I try to be. I am not the best wife, although I also try to be that. I am forever beating myself up about all these things that I think I should be and yet am not.

I have realized something, though. I am staring 40 in the face and my life IS practically perfect! I have the best husband, the best kids, the best family and the best friends. NONE of them are perfect but they are to me. 

Life does not have to look a certain way. My biggest hangup right now is my physical appearance. Having a little extra weight does not determine my worth. I have decided to love myself the way I am, while still working at being the best I can be. I am going to see myself for my accomplishments and not my hangups.

#1- Continue to try and be the best wife and mom I can be. Ross and the boys love me and they want me to be happy. How can I keep them from me being happy?
#2- In the whole grand scheme of things, does it matter how much I weigh? It does matter if I am healthy and taking care of my body. So that is what I will do.
#3-This "ugly" body has stories to tell! It has traveled the world, had 3 kids (via c-section), run countless miles (including a marathon), biked a few miles as well, held up the weight of the world, held up hands and hearts and heads that hang down, kneeled in the temple of God with my husband, and made covenants. It serves those around it. It carries a whole lifetime of happiness, sorrow, experience, and love. There is nothing to not love about it! It's who I am and a part of who I want to become. 

I know that these things are not easy, especially for a woman. I really believe that I can do it. I believe that I can do anything. 

And so, I will.

My Part

The other night I had the most amazing experience. I have to record it here because I don't want to forget.

For quite a while, I have really struggled with a certain person in my life. The ironic part about it is that they have no idea of the feelings I have had. They didn't necessarily do anything wrong. There is something that they have that I thought I wanted in my life so much. I have struggled with negative feelings towards this person.

I didn't want to have these feelings so I decided to try to serve them as best I could. I know that it is almost impossible to have bad feelings for someone while serving them.

For a few years, I stepped out of my comfort zone and have served them in so many ways. It wasn't working so I kept trying. I realized I was waiting for them to stop and tell me how wonderful they thought I was. It didn't happen. I was not doing things in the right frame of mind and my feelings for them were getting worse, not better.

I woke up in the middle of the night the other night thinking about them. I cried and cried. I didn't want to have these feelings of bitterness any more. I started to pray. I told my Heavenly Father that I had tried to do what I thought was right to get over it and I realized I couldn't do it by myself. I needed him to take it from me. I pictured myself putting all these feelings, worry and bitterness in a box. I closed it up tight and I pushed it toward the feet of my Savior. I pictured him taking it and walking away from me. I fell asleep praying for help.

The next morning I realized it was truly all gone. It has been days and days and it is still gone. I learned a lot from this experience. I learned that after all we can do, he makes up the difference. I learned that I can turn everything over to him. And most of all, I learned I already have everything I need. I no longer think that I require what is not mine. 

I am so thankful.

The Grind

JUST DO IT

Fear

I know that everyone has something that holds them back. Back from living life to the fullest, from being the best they can be, from reaching out to others. 

My entire life I have never felt good enough. For whatever reason, in my mind, I am not pretty enough, accomplished enough, funny enough, interesting enough, skinny enough, etc. Yes, unfortunately, the list goes on and on. There are so many times when I feel crippled by these fears of mine that this might be the day that everyone else figures it out too or maybe they already have and just aren't telling me.

I don't want to be this girl. I have to fight against it every second. Overall, I am a really a happy person. I know that I am so blessed in so many ways and I truly do find the joy in life. I love to laugh and make people smile. I have the best marriage, the best kids and the greatest of friends. I guess we all have to have something we struggle with or it just wouldn't be life, would it?

I know that this is my trial. I know it is up to me to make weak things strong. It is so hard to figure out how to do that. But, I will keep trying.